You and a colleague have gone through the wringer, and things are TENSE. What are your options?

Here's a framework that might help you make some decisions.

First, ask…

• Can I forgive them? Will they forgive me?

Then, ask…

• Is reconciliation possible for me? For them?

Once you've answered these, locate your quadrant on the grid above.

1. Restore (Forgiven and Reconciled): the relationship issues have been completely resolved through forgiveness, and normal interactions have been reestablished, leading to a fully restored relationship.

2. Released (Forgiven but Unreconciled): forgiveness has been granted, but the relationship hasn’t returned to its former closeness or status. You may even have decided to move on, releasing any negative emotions but not continuing the relationship.

3. Rule-bound (Unforgiven but Reconciled): the relationship continues out of necessity or respect (e.g., coworkers), but is now formally governed by rules or structures to contain the unresolved issues and lack of forgiveness.

4. Rift or Reframe (Unforgiven and Unreconciled): no forgiveness has been extended or accepted and no reconciliation has occurred, resulting in a continued rift, or the end of the relationship altogether. And/or, one or both have reframed their view of the other, so that the earlier accountabilities shift and the relational dynamics are profoundly altered.

Sometimes, recognizing where you stand now, can actually pave the way for meaningful change and a new way of thinking about your work relationships.

Consider #4., the "Rift or Reframe" option.

We can feel trapped in a "rift" where it seems like no progress can be made, as if we're destined to be enemies or stuck in a perpetual stalemate.

However, a reframe can change everything.

It might allow you to shift your perspective on the other person—for example, from seeing them as threatening, to recognizing their underlying insecurity that drives almost everything they do.

Without forgiving or reconciling, this new viewpoint can transform how you experience and conduct the continued relationship, granting you a kind of ending and, if need be, a new beginning.

So, here’s two coaching questions for you to consider this month:

1. When you think about the most complex relationships you've experienced at work, which quadrant(s) did they occupy?

2. What did you learn about yourself?