It’s easy to replay a lousy conversation in your mind over and over—polishing the all zingers you wish you’d said.

Here’s the thing.

When a conversation turns into win/lose, it’s no longer just two people talking. It’s a negotiation.

Now, negotiations aren’t inherently bad. But if one person thinks it’s a conversation, and the other wants to gain advantage, or is playing to win, the rules have changed. This mismatch is where feelings become hurt, misunderstandings occur, harm is caused.

What if I don’t want a negotiation?

Inter-personal dynamics come up in my coaching practice all the time. Mostly, though, my clients ask to become better communicators, not crafty negotiators. They want less conflict at work, not more.

What my clients seek is an honest, real conversation—because, for them, what’s at stake is not winning or gaining advantage. They just want to be heard. Trusted. Understood. Respected.

If they find themselves in an unwanted negotiation, I help them by reframing the circumstances, or even the whole relationship, to move it away from a negotiation, and back to two people in conversation. Here’s how we do this…

Behaviour is communication

How someone treats you is what they are really trying to say. How you behave in return is your response.

Instead of entering the ring with someone who maybe be more skilled at negotiating than you, what other choices might you have?

Often, the answer is within yourself, and it is found only when you can uncover what you really need in this situation.

Uncovering your needs can be tough. But, with your needs known, you can communicate them—which opens up the possibility of having them met. Asking for what you need usually converts a negotiation back into a conversation.

Don’t try to win; instead, ask for what you need.